Tempest 17

Ewwww!

2008-08-11T12:57:00.007-06:00

Last week, I reviewed a review of Twilight, the amazing teeny-bopper-Harry-Potter-wanna-be series. I concluded that the series was ridiculous. But, in an attempt to be fair, I decided that maybe I should actually read part of the series before I decided that Stephenie Meyers can't write.

She can't. Not wanting to actually pay for one of her books (really happy I didn't, by the way), I went to Barnes & Noble for a few hours and skimmed through the fourth and final book in the Twilight series, Breaking Dawn. At almost 800 pages, one would think it would take me longer than an hour and a half to read. It didn't, because it's almost pure fluff. Stephenie Meyers follows the format of "something relevant........fluff....fluff....background fluff.....more fluff........something a little relevant..........repeat of fluff already said..............fluff........" Once you pick up on her distinct writing style, you only really have to read a paragraph every seven pages, without missing ANY of the plot! Wait, is there a plot? Hmm. I'll have to get back to you on that one.

So, Bella, the main character, is finally marrying the love of her life, Edward. The blood sucking but oh-so-cute vampire. The wedding is to gag over, and then they go on a honeymoon! Now, vampires are practically marble compared to humans, so after a few hazy sex scenes, Bella is unfortunately covered in bruises but she's so happy with Edward that everything's fine. Just the sort of message we want to be sending young girls. "Well yes, you did cover me in bruises, but I wanted sex so bad it was totally worth it!"

Within minutes, poor Bella is pregnant. But remember that vampires are so much harder than humans? Uh-oh! The baby is literally kicking Bella to death from the inside! She won't let the baby be aborted, although everyone wants her to. But when the baby shatters her spine, it's time for an emergency c-section. Oh, wait! The placenta is made of vampire skin, and it's too hard to cut through! So, they cut Bella open and then let her devoted husband chew through the placenta to save the adorable little baby, who survives on a strict diet of human blood.

EWWWW!!! I've never been particularly squeamish, plus I'm twenty-two, and I still think this scene is appallingly disgusting. I can't imagine what I would have thought when I was 14. It gets even weirder though, because Bella is so close to death that the only way to "save" her is to make her a vampire too. Fortunately she's really in control and is able to not eat humans. She's a "vegetarian" vampire who lives off animal blood. Cute. And now that she's a vampire, her...urges...are so much stronger. Conveniently, she doesn't have to sleep any more, so she can do normal things while still having sex ALL night long. The excitement of vampire sex typically wears off in a decade or so though. Her werewolf pal, who's got to be at least 400 but for practical purposes is frozen as an 18-year-old, falls madly in love with the newborn baby and devotes the next few years of his life to waiting around until she's old enough to breed with.

Stop. Right. There. This is a kids book? I haven't read such disturbing sex scenes in adult books, let alone books supposedly written for 13 to 16 year olds! The only good thing that could come out of this is that girls might be too grossed out to ever want to have sex. And if they do, hopefully they'll be more careful to not get pregnant. Unless the thought of their significant others chewing through their stomachs seems romantic, which I kind of doubt.

This series keeps getting compared to Harry Potter, and I don't know why. For one thing, all the Harry Potter books have plots, and character development, and, oh, did I mention plot? What they don't have are sex scenes. I kind of like that. Why don't we just give these poor little girls Harlequin romances? They can't be more disturbing that Stephanie Meyers' "romance."

Twilight

2008-08-04T14:21:00.005-06:00

Has anyone heard about this series yet? Because I hadn't, until it showed up on my homepage and I read this review. My desire to ridicule piqued, I read a few chapters of this behemoth tome (in four volumes) before completely losing interest. But the review is still fun to criticize!

So apparently, this book is for teenage girls. And it's about a girl who's dating a vampire. Uh...ok. But this vampire is super hot, and sexy, and...sweet?

"Now, looks aside, consider how appealing it is that Edward is driven to wit's end by the scent of Bella. In a society consumed with smelling good, Edward finds Bella without the aid of any scent but her own."

Is that really appealing? Is that what girls want? "Wow, I love that my boyfriend thinks I smell good enough to eat, literally!" Call me crazy, but I don't think there's ever been a time in my life where I've wished men were obsessed with the scent of my blood. The review continues:

"Note how completely enamored Edward is of Bella. He actually watches her sleep. As an infatuated parent watches over an infant, Edward watches Bella...Often he holds Bella and rocks her as a father would. And yet, his kisses stop her breath and heart, and he never pressures her for sex. Edward has raised the standard for all boyfriends."

Creepy!!! Are we really supposed to be that impressed that he doesn't pressure her for sex when he's staring at her while she sleeps? How the hell is this appealing to teenage girls? When I was in high school I probably had nightmares about that, not fantasies. And as far as rocking her like a father would, that's only sweet when 1. It's REALLY your father and not your boyfriend who is struggling not to devour your blood and 2. you're a little kid. I think I'd find it pretty creepy if my dad picked me up and rocked me like an infant....because, you know. I'm an adult. Even in high school I'd have probably been happy with just a nice hug.

Why is children's literature so awful? As if the plot wasn't bad enough, the writing is painful too. Poor Edward and his shimmering, jewel-like skin! Is that rhapsodic teeny-bopper speak for "pale and sickly"? And the whole premise of the story is that a vampire is madly in love with a girl...and, oh, yeah. She would taste SO good. It's so romantic that he's not eating her! I wish my boyfriend were like that!

As if teenagers weren't messed up enough when it comes to relationships.

2007-09-01T21:38:00.001-06:00